My son is 17, will be 18 in November. I recently found out he and his girlfriend of about a year are sexually active (I found condoms in his room and when I confronted him about them, he told me everything).
While I am not naive, I am very old fashioned and I have tried to teach my children that sex is something that should be saved for marriage. What scared me most is when I tried to explain this to him again, just to reiterate, he acted as if I was crazy for beleiving such things! After 17 years of trying to teach him!!
I am just so worried that he and his girlfriend are not emotionally ready for sex, let alone what would ever happen if God forbid she got pregnant. I am also concerned about what effect this information will have on my 3 younger children (all girls ages 15, 13 and 9).
Any advice from parents who have had to deal with similar situacions is welcomed.
Thanks from a very concerned and heart-broken mother...I recently found out that my teenage son is sexually active and I'm very upset. Any advice.?
Well sounds like you’ve already done all the standard tactics that had absolutely zero impact on your son. (yell, threaten, scold, panic, get vapors, interrogate,,, etc..)
#1 “While I am not naïve..” Yes you are. You expect your children to be completely obedient to each and every one of your decisions about life. That may work when they are young, but by the time they reach 16-17 they are making their own decisions, judgments, etc. in life. At what point will it be ok with you for him to make his own decisions in life,, 25-28-30 ??
#2 Stop with all the “After 17 years of trying to teach him!!” “heart-broken mother” stuff. This isn’t about you or your failure to teach him. I have no doubt he has already learned much more from you are giving him credit for. Ok, so he is sexually active,, it is a core part of human nature, some humans wait longer to become sexually active and some don’t. There is still 17 years of teaching him about life he has.
#3 His siblings have absolutely NO NEED-REASON-OR RIGHT to know anything about their older brother’s sex life. If he chooses to talk to them that is his prerogative. It is NOT YOUR RIGHT-DUTY-PREOGATIVE to tell them !!!!!!!!!!!!!
#4 Well here you may be right, he may not be emotionally ready, but he IS BIOLOGICALLY Ready. There is NOT ONE THING you can do about that!!
Time to face facts here.
Your son is 3 months from legally being an adult, NOTHING you say-do can change that fact. You have either done a good job of teaching him in his first 17 years of life or not. I suspect he is much more than you give him credit for. At this stage in both your lives your ability to force your will on him regardless of his wishes is about over. He will make his own decisions, judgments, etc. in life. He may ask your advice (or not) but your ability to “order him” is over.
There are many things you should be thankful for, and you’re completely missing them.
#1 He is TRUTHFUL !! He could have very easily lied to you !!
#2 He is SMART !! He could have been having unprotected sex. But he did a very adult thing by getting and using condoms. He is physically protecting both himself and his G/F.
#3 He does Trust YOU! He could have very easily NOT told you everything, nothing at all, or made up some story about the condoms!!
#4 He does have a good VALUE system. Regardless if You think so or not. Again, he could have not used condoms, not caring if he got his G/F pregnant or not.
Your value system in life is yours. That doesn’t mean your children should or will have the same value system in life. They will think differently than you on many subjects or the same as you. Either way, when they reach adulthood learn to respect their thinking and judgments in life.
You can either accept your son’s thinking-decisions-judgments, continue to be his mother, offering advice when asked, trusting you did teach him the important issues in life in his first 17 years of life. Or, you can continue in this vane,, and ruin everything between you and your son. This goes for your other children as they mature also.
Most people would be thrilled if their 17/18-year-old children shared things like having sex with them. Many many Parents’ have absolutely no idea of what their 17/18-year old kids are doing, whether it is about sex, or any other activities they engage in.
The choice is yours, You can accept and support (doesn’t mean agree) with your Son’s choices, decision, etc.. or you can continue on as you are,,,,, And completely destroy what you and he has worked on for the last 17 years.I recently found out that my teenage son is sexually active and I'm very upset. Any advice.?
To preface this, I will mention that I am 22 years old and not a parent, but I will approach this as I would have liked my parents to approach this situation if it had happened to me.
Though you are obviously a caring mother, you must realize your son is now a young adult who can make his own life choices. You tried your best to teach him your beliefs, but obviously he doesn't agree, and he's entitled to his own beliefs and opinions.
I would suggest being open with him. Reassure him that you love him, and though you do not agree with his choice to have sex before marriage, tell him that you would still be willing to talk to him about anything he may have questions about - sex, love, relationships, etc. You must establish open communication lines between the two of you, it will only strengthen your relationship if he feels like he can share with you and talk to you about his personal life. Though he is young, he seems to be more mature than you're giving him credit for. He's obviously smart, using condoms. Encourage him to talk with his girlfriend about getting on birth control. My boyfriend's mother told me she would be willing to bring me to her own doctor to get on birth control when she found out we were having sex (my mother is quite traditional also).
As for your daughters, do the same. Satisfy their curious minds, but reaffirm that sex is meant for a loving, stable relationship. At 15 and 13, they are most already experiencing sexual pressure. Kids are experimenting younger and younger these days and the only way to prevent it is to be open with them so they don't go looking for answers from friends and peers, which is normally quite inaccurate.
I hope this helps.
My son is 17 and has been having sex with his girl for a year -- they have been dating for 2 and 1/2 years. I talked to him about babies, told him I wasn't ready to be a grandmother, we talked about how it could ruin both of their lives ...etc. I also told him that if he was embarrassed to buy condoms I would do it for him. Well they are using condoms and she is also on the pill I found out. I just don't know what to say. It sounds flip to say ';well gee, it's what they do now-a-days.'; And unfortunately it is. Like you we were very opened with out sons about sex, the dangers of STD's, and pregnancy, and AIDS. That's all we can do and just hope for the best, and that they make the right choices. All you can do at this point is love him and hope all goes well. They grow up too quickly now and I don't think there's anything we can do about it.
okay, im not a parent.. i a tee of the age of 16...17 in February next year...
the way i see it as, if they didn't feel ready to have sex then they wouldn't have. It sounds as if yu son has had a very good upbringing and wouldn't be type to force the girl into anythng so it was obviously a neutral decision. personally im keeping my virginty as long s possible cos iknow people who've hd sex nd it isn't even that good!!!... as for the woe pregnancy pat of the situation.. yah that woue terrible and m sure they're being very very careful.. im suretey're both terrified of tha happening too!!!
I am also a mother of a 17 year old son who will be 18 in January.
My son is sexually active and has been for a while now.
This is not what you want to hear, but I'm going to tell you anyway, and know that I mean only the best for you when I tell you this and that I'm speaking from experience:
1. Be thankful you found condoms. This shows he is acting responsibly.
2. Your ';old fashioned'; ideas that ';sex should be saved for marriage'; are YOUR beliefs, not necessarily those of your son.
3. Just because a person has sex does not necessarily mean that they will choose to be with their partner forever.
4. Just because a person has sex does not necessarily mean a baby will result.
5. Your children are individuals. What happens with your son is not necessarily what will happen with your daughters. Your son's decisions will not necessarily influence your daughters. Who says they have to know anyway?
Now...
You have done your part to teach him what he needs to know to live a successful life.
This is not a reflection on you or your parenting skills or your family lifestyle.
Once you guide your children you have to know when to step back and let them begin to make their own choices. Some of those choices will be good ones, some not so good. But you have to let your son begin to make his own decisions. He is nearly an adult and you have to begin to treat him as such. He deserves that type of respect and trust from you.
It's natural for teens to be curious. He is exploring. Let him be. But let him know you are still there for him if he needs you.
I also have a son who is 17 and funnily enough turning 18 in Nov. I understand the worries and concerns of being a mother to a teenaged boy. I agree with you when you say they aren't emotionally ready for sex at this age but unfortunately I think biologically they are ready for sex at this age. Not too long ago, people were married in their early teens and started families. But now kids are taking longer and longer to get married so it seems unrealistic that kids will stay virgins until they get married in their late 20s or even early 30s. Although I grew up catholic, I have never expected my son to wait until marriage because I think that is unrealistic nowadays. I think it is more important to ensure they are practicing safe sex and making wise decisions so as not to get pregnant or get diseases. It sounds like he told you everything so you must have a good open relationship. You need to explain to him that now that he has taken this next step and started to have sex, it is his responsibility to take care of his health and ensure that he does not get anyone pregnant. You also need to explain that his sisters are too young and influencable to be privy to his sexlife and that you expect him to keep this aspect of his life private from them. I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, but you can't go back in time - he's had sex now so you might as well encourage him to make responsible decisions.
Well you knew this was coming. Today kids around 16-17 they start having sex. Not in the olden times, where people would wait till marriage. Thats just how it is today.
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